Hey, there were many times in June and July that I wanted to post but didn't because I was way too lazy. Sorry about that, but, I'm here to give you guys a really big post because you all deserve it. I've going to start it off with a bang. Let's talk Ted DiBiase Senior, you know, the famed technician who often battled with Hulk Hogan. The Million Dollar Man who was, you know, one of the greatest villains of the age of theatrics. What an a-hole. Yeah, I met him the other day with a friend. Town fair is always fun to go to, there are rides, displays, rodeos for people, animals, acrobats, bike stars and even amateur wrestling. Last year there was the Honky Tonk Man (who knows why) and this year there was the Million Dollar Man, and up until this year I didn't know he was a Christian Minister. Yeah, town fair was evangelized this year. What should have been a multicultural event was overtaken by religion and heading it was Trillionaire Ted. I had never seen such a lack of colour. Ted was out there giving his sermons, then there was Elvis-Jesus doing it as well. Cool, I don't have a problem with that, but when you overtake the fair and make it a Calgary kind of thing, I don't like it. So I meet Ted DiBiase, he jokes about how he liked working with Hulk Hogan because he made money. His gimmick was money so we ask him to sign our money, he looks at us like we're retarded and signs the bills. I ask about Randy Savage. Old idiot must be going senile because he starts acting like I don't know wrestling is a scripted live stunt tv show and starts educating me on heels and babyfaces and how it's fake. I asked one simple question. Oh, he signed that bill all right and guess what, he put some Bible verse on it as well. I'm not Christian, he should've been able to tell by looking at me. I get it, you're a minister and you love your religion but why are shoving it at my face?
Next, I have to tell all of you about Hercules. It's directed by Brett Ratner and so it should've sucked, it should've sucked as much as that Kellan Lutz movie, but it stars Dwayne Johnson. As long as Dwayne Johnson is involved, so is charisma and guess what, the movie kicks ass. So what if all of the magical components and properties are involved only in the beginning? It has Ian McShane in it, who does his best performance since Blackbeard, and John Hurt who shows that he is the profound actor. It's got Reece Ritchie in it as well, for good measure if you like that sort of thing. All in all, I was disappointed by length and lack of magic, but was impressed. Several characters were rounded out even though they remained flat, Hercules had a full character arc and so did his nephew. It was left ambiguous as to whether or not the Graeco-Roman Gods were real or not (and why he's Hercules instead of Heracles in Greece), but I'd rather lean towards them being real. Honestly, this movie might've had a moderate box office opening in domestic territories, but for domestic, it's halved it's budget and when you combine it with foreign has already beat it's budget. We won't be getting a Robocop 2 because all the bitches who loved the first movie (and cannot see that this remake was an infinitely better and more humanly intimate job) made sure that even though it beat it's budget by over $100,000,00 it received mixed reception. However, Hercules has a lower budget than that, has beat it's budget and will likely end it's domestic run evening said budget and foreign run by beating it. I would love to see a sequel, with a longer run time and more ass kicking by Dwayne Johnson. Also, I wouldn't mind seeing Hercules and his mercenaries popping up in a possible Jason and the Argonauts remake as a part of Jason's crew.
Now, lastly, the titular post title topic is Guardians of the Galaxy, I know this movie, with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles coming out, is not going to be a box office hit of Thor: The Dark World proportions for Marvel. It's sequel on the other hand, will be that and more. It was an amazing movie, but I still can't get over why Bradley Cooper (heart crusher) did not play Star Lord and why Chris Pratt (y'know Emmett from the animated Lego Movie) did not voice the animated Rocket Raccoon. I can't say which one of them stole the show, although with Gamora (isn't that the place in New Vegas with the hoes?) glowing neon green made me want to poke her arm. Batista was surprisingly good as Drax, although I hope this doesn't get him thinking he's an actor as good a draw as Dwayne Johnson. The best part of this movie, however, were the designs, mainly Star Lord's ship. It was one of the most beautiful pieces of work I have seen from Marvel in a while mostly because of it's simplicity and you know what, simplicity works a lot. I put a lot praise towards that. I'm not going to talk about what the movie means in terms of the MCU's future and all that crap, but it's darker than you would expect. Trailers sugarcoat it with humour and violence and sex (Gamora's nude scene which wasn't in the film), but it is not the comedy that you would think it is. Yes, there is a joke around almost every turn, but that is all theater comedy. That is comedy that you laugh it if you are in a large group. The movie takes itself very seriously and that is what makes those "jokes" work. When it comes out on Blu-Ray and DVD, watch it a few friends or your family, the jokes you'll laugh at then are the real jokes of the movie. The film is very good and the worst part, James Gunn's directing. He was the worst possible candidate for the role and the fact that he pulled it off so perfectly makes me wonder about how well somebody else could have done it (Jose Padillha perhaps?). All in all, watch Hercules and watch Guardians of the Galaxy. I'll try to post more consistently, my next post will be about video games, Mass Effect and the WWE series, so next time.